In response to an article on ScaryMommy.com
This may just be the most interesting reading I’ve seen in awhile. To the original authoress, Lisa, honey, bless your heart. Considering none of your children ended up in a river, you didn’t end up with a bottle of jack/pills or a noose around your neck, CPS (DYFS for all you East Coast folks) didn’t need to be called, and none of your kids packed up an action figure and decided to ease on down the road to grandma’s house, I’d say the situation didn’t escalate past the point of no return, nor did it do irreversible damage to your children. In my opinion, I don’t believe you did anything wrong. To insinuate that raising your voice or using crass language towards a child of a reasonable age, is somehow excessive or unnecessary, may very well be the biggest load of crap to ever be uttered to a parent. The reason I say this is because it’s unrealistic.
I for one, do not intend to send my children into the world believing that for every mistake or error they make, others will be considerate enough to sit them down as many times as necessary for them to get it, without consequence or repercussion, explain what they did wrong, how to avoid making the same mistake again, or warn them of the consequences that will eventually befall them should they make said mistake again. Oh no. I will not lead my children to believe anything other than the reality of what life (meaning every other person outside of our household) has in store for them should they not abide by the rules laid out for them. Conversely, I don’t want my children believing that each achievement they accomplish will be recognized or rewarded. It’s not reality.
For those of us who don’t reside on high, we learn quickly that a failure to abide by the rules set forth by the powers that be, results in discipline. This eventuality follows you the rest of your life, no matter where you go. You can only buck against the “system” so many times, before finally being penalized for what will most likely be considered either an ineptitude in your understanding or just blatant defiance and disrespect. Neither will be accepted without some penalty. To the outside world, the “real” world, no one cares why you don’t listen, or why you don’t comply. They only care that you do or you don’t. And if can’t or simply choose not to follow instructions; in accordance with common sense, you must be punished. People don’t want to reward bad behavior. Or at least they shouldn’t. If that were at all entirely true, we wouldn’t have politicians or professional athletes, but I digress. If you’re fortunate, you have parental figures who are understanding and patient during your developmental years. They prepare you with a solid foundation of what’s right and wrong. They give you space and time to figure certain things out and when you come to a crossroads and don’t choose the right path, they redirect you without judgement. Yay to those people!
Looking past all the snarky ass comments and the banners of awesomeness being waved proudly, everyone addresses these situations differently based on the conditions surrounding them. Yes we all know, each child is different. Although contrary to popular belief, they do share a common trait. THEY ARE ALL HABITUAL LINE STEPPERS! It is in their nature, same as it was in ours. Inquisition is a biological imperative, but…and this is a big but…the difference between being curious vs being defiant is a matter of choice. Children make a choice to be good or bad, barring any mental/emotional/social disorders.
Understandably, the younger the child, the more leeway is given when it comes to the boundaries they are allowed to push. Not saying that there is anything wrong with that, but there comes a point where a push is met with a shove. Keep pushing and eventually you’re going to be met by a big ass brick wall named mom or dad.
Without conscious effort, we prefer to instill a sense of right or wrong in our children at the earliest possible stages of development. We teach them no, long before we teach them yes. The first time your baby grabs something from you, you don’t want them to have, you coochie-coo a no at them to make them understand that their behavior is unacceptable. We do this to infants people! Nothing at all wrong with that, right? So why is it wrong to raise your voice at a child in order to let them know, I am dead ass serious with you right now? You spend the rest of your life utilizing a variety of behavior modification techniques to get your children to comply. But what are we to do when a child, who is well aware and understands what right and wrong is, no longer listens? Am I to just turn my back on them because raising my voice, being a bit more stern in my delivery, or using a bit more colorful language isn’t considered socially acceptable anymore? You’ll have to excuse me, when I say, and I mean this in the best possible way, piss on all that. As a parent, I made a choice when I decided to bring a life into this world. I became responsible for the impression that life leaves in this world.
I think a lot of people, those with and without children fail to realize that you aren’t raising your children to be model citizens and good human beings all so you can pat yourself on the back. You aren’t giving them a dose of hard, cold reality because you want them to be miserable. You aren’t disciplining them in order to scare the living shit out of them, nor are you choosing not to reward them for every wonderful, fantastical, gold-star worthy achievement because you’re some raging, heartless bitch. We, at least I, am doing this to prepare them for the reality of what the real world has in store for them.
Rules, regulations, laws, etc etc, have and will exist until the earth goes up in glorious flames. Until my child is either legally or in my personal opinion, socially prepared to exist on their own, the laws which govern them, are the laws in which I set forth for them. That means, as cliche as this sounds, as long as you live under my roof, you will abide by my rules. And if you choose not to, you will suffer the wrath of Mom! Not because I don’t love you, but because I do.
Besides, although I am an advocate for a child being a child, as long as they can, children these days are a lot smarter than we’d like to give them credit for. They are far more aware because of the vast amount of information their exposed to. Most children know exactly what they’re doing, when they’re doing it. Most children, know exactly when to hide something from plain view or to expose themselves because they don’t fear retaliation for their actions. Children are indeed innocent, but they are not stupid.
The world is an ugly place, full of ugly people who don’t give two squirts of a pigs anus about the delicate sensibilities you crippled your child with. Because that is what you’re doing. Not every child requires the firm hand of a spanking or the “excessive” yet “effective” impact of a yell. Not at all. But there are some that very much do. If yelling at my child works as a means to instill a healthy sense of fear, then so be it. Making them understand the seriousness of breaking rules, whether meant to keep them from harm, meant to help them, meant to teach them how to behave in a respectful manner, is my responsibility.
Kudos to all the parents, step-parents, God-parents, aunts and uncles, grandparents and persons who’s very existence influences the life of a child. There are plenty of scum-of-the-earth people who have their unworthy souls attached to an innocent child, but to the ones who strive to uplift and raise decent, good human beings, my hats off to you. Even when you don’t think anyone is thanking you, I am. Every time I’m out in public and a teenager is acting a plum damn fool, I’m saying thank you. Every time I volunteer in my child’s class and I see children treating one another and adults with respect, I’m saying thank you. Each time a young person steps out into the world and behaves with a modicum of common sense, I am saying thank you to the mother’s and father’s who have taken the time to instill a sense of decorum and dignity in their children.
– See more at: http://www.scarymommy.com/the-big-fat-fuck-you/comment-page-72/#comment-497422
Karefully Read 